i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
