I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
