No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is Oprah even human
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
