Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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