I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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