i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
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Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
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Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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