I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Drake has all the answers
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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