Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
