I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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