I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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