My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
