how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
