First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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