My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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