I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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