WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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