everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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