I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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