I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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