stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
