she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
