My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize