dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
