the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
