if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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