after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
