I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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