I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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