It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
