everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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