Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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