He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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