I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize