You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We talked him into tasing himself.
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I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
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Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize