the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
