I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
