Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
