haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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