Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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