Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
