as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I am midnight drunk by noon
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
