how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
