I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Michael Bay diarrhea
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
