i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
