first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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