toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
