Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
