You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
