This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
