I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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