tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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