Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
