piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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