I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
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I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
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When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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