Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
