11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
