Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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