Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
