he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
