I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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