I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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