dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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