So drunk its hurt
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
